The Daily Heckled

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Bieber assault claims leads to West Bromwich widow winning £127m

20140130-154510.jpgA Bieber Bingo card, yesterday.

Doris Hymen, a widow from West Bromwich, has scooped the top prize of £127m in the world famous Bieber Bingo game, making her the biggest winner to date.

Bieber Bingo has long been a pastime for the elderly across the globe as they tick off their bingo cards each time the Canadian pop star reaches another milestone.

Retired dinner lady Hymen, 83, claims to have purchased her first Bieber Bingo card only one month ago and did not hold out much hope of landing the top prize.

“I purchased my first Bieber Bingo card only one month ago and didn’t hold out much hope of landing the top prize,” she said. “All my friends in the care home had cards with things like ‘Reaches number one in UK singles chart,’ and ‘wins MTV award for cutest smile’.

“Yet my card some horrible things that I never thought that the teenage pop prince would do. I thought I didn’t stand a chance!”

However, Hymen soon saw her luck change last week when she was able to complete a line with two spots marked ‘Drag Racing’ and ‘Driving Under the Influence’. Then yesterday she completed a second line with a corner spot marked ‘Arrested for Assaulting a Limousine Driver’.

“I was so excited that I showed my card to my friend Mavis while we were watching Antiques Roadshow,” continued Hymen. “It was then that she pointed out that I had neglected to cross off spots marked ‘Suspicions of Drug Abuse’ and ‘Passionate Call from Agent for Intervention’. Well, I was cock-a-hoop. I had a full house!”

Other than spending £80,000 purchasing a small bungalow in Weston-super-Mare, Hymen has no big plans for her winnings, and intends on changing the money to £50 notes and stuffing them under the mattress until the notes go out of circulation.

“I have to say that sleeping on top of 2,538,400 £50 notes is going to be pretty uncomfortable, but then again, so was the care home my bastard children shoved me into in 1998, and I would rather see the money rot than let those ungrateful shitheads get a penny of it.”

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This entry was posted on January 30, 2014 by and tagged , , , , , .
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