Imagine that the world was made of blamanche. Nice, isn't it? Hmmm, blamanche. But it's not! This is the news!
High street supermarket Co-op was today continuing its crusade for decency as phallic shaped foods were removed from its shelves.
Following the wave of support the supermarket has received since the announcement that ‘lads mags’ such as Zoo and Loaded are to be sold in ‘modesty bags’ to protect the public’s innocent eyes, supermarket bigwigs have upped their reputation today as the vanguard of good taste and decency
“The British public are delicate flowers,” claimed Marty Whitehouse, chairman of Co-op’s Chaste Knee-jerkers Society (CoCKS). “It is important that we protect them from themselves, and as such we have decided that any food that might look a bit rude is to be incinerated as if they were in the fires of hell.”
CoCKS have had significant success in increasing the lad mag industry reputation as smut pedlars and bestialists, while conveniently ignoring the infinitely more hateful celebrity magazines with their telescopic lenses and merciless pointing out of ‘muffin-tops’ and cellulite, and have moved on to the more pressing concerns of genital shaped produce.
“The fact that celebrity magazines such as Hello and OK, with shots of young girls in bikinis who have no idea they are being photographed by grubby paparazzo hiding in trees bring in a much higher revenue stream than the likes of Nuts has nothing to do with it. We are just concerned that the sight of a cucumber may send your average British male crazy with pent up sexual aggression and attack someone in the isle,” continued Whitehouse.
“Of course we have no scientific proof or reasoning, there has been little study into this particular area, and there have been no reported incidents of willy shaped parsnips leading to sexual frenzy, but we have headline-grabbing moral outrage, which is much more important than actual facts,” he added.
Rumours that any women shopping in Co-op are to be forced to wear a full burqa to save them from violent attacks by lust-filled men have yet to be confirmed.
By common decency correspondent Mark Guthrie